Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Lost in memories

It's one of those days... the sun is shining, the music is blaring, and things are really quite good. Yet I feel only half here while the other half wanders the various places I've lived, ponders the friends I've left behind, and misses realities I've experienced. It's strange how the emotions crash in with a thought, a smell, a moment. Homesick, just like I felt as a young kid in boarding school.

But I am home, at least as much home as exists this side of heaven. I, and we, have done so much of the hard work of settling down and learning how to live. We've learned to navigate so many things in in southern Manitoba and we've come to appreciate many of the realities of our lives here. But there is still an empty spot, a hole.

And while some days I feel it comes from what I've left behind, I am beginning to realise that it really comes from what's ahead. Friends here who have never left find the same hole gaping inside. In open conversations we admit that life simply isn't what we'd hoped and dreamed it would be. It's lacking, fallen, broken. We are lacking, fallen, broken. And only God can heal and bring wholeness. Only the Father is a true Home, and we will only experience Him completely when we see Him face to face. Until then, the hole remains, reminding us in whispers and roars that we were made for so much more!

Garry is in Arizona again this week, taking part in meetings with program managers from all over the world. By the end of the week we'll have a more clear idea of what God is doing.... for now he is taking the opportunities God gives and asking for His grace to share grace, truth, and faith. The boys and I are home, doing the normal things of life... taking advantage of 10% Tuesday, playing badminton, doing school, and spending time with friends.


Jen Schwab said...


I think you are right on! The hole is there no matter where you have been or where you are going. Love your insights.

Praying for you friend.

Garry and Cynthia Barkman said...

Thanks, Jen! And we are praying for you as you make another transition.... and hope to see you when you get back to your other home!